It's easy to notice the big ruptures. But what about a thousand tiny cuts?

I spoke to a friend today who shared her account of an abusive relationship. There was one violent incident that knocked her unconscious, bringing her near to death. She was forced to seek help from the police.

Even with such an intense encounter, it took time for the friends of her abusive ex to believe her. Her calls for help were questioned with suspicion, part of a larger systemic issue in our society regarding the treatment and trust of women.

She spoke to other partners this man had dated. While none had experienced the same intensity of abuse, each day with him involved manipulations, microaggressions, threats, and other behaviors that created a toxic and unsafe environment.

As she shared her story, she said, "I don't know which is worse—hardly any abuse until the incident, or living every day with micro-abuses." She commented that perhaps the latter was worse because it is harder to see—it’s harder for others to notice and to intervene.

When we encounter an abusive or toxic dynamic, it's easy to focus only on the big events. However, the whole experience encapsulates the day-to-day—the compounding of each tension, each unresolved aggression, each angry comment. They add up, creating a milieu that establishes a new, distorted psychological normal.

This is particularly true for those encountering individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder. These illnesses can sometimes manifest as unstable relationships and explosive episodes, where the affected person may make wild and cruel accusations or hurtful statements. For example, a young woman with BPD, after being denied access to a car by her father, yelled, "Well, I hope you take the car and drive off a cliff and die."

Such instances have varying degrees of intensity, but they often go unnoticed or are dismissed as character flaws or bad moods.

Noticing these aggressions, handling them with awareness, and creating boundaries to protect oneself—while still fostering compassion—are steps on the path to protection and healing. We can love the afflicted, but we need not become infected by the illness.