Do not mistake affection for love.

Affection may be a component of love. Whether physical or expressed in words, it fulfills a mammalian need for touch, care, and endearment.

But affection is not enough.

Loving involves showing up for the object of affection. It means being there when it's inconvenient. Sometimes, it means risking being in the bad graces of the person you love.

The best definition of love I've heard comes from Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled. He defines love as one person's commitment to the spiritual growth of another.

Let’s explore an extreme example. You may love someone who is an addict. If we think of love in a vacuum and assume its sole expression is affection or kindness, we may fail to draw a necessary line that benefits our loved one. Love, in this case, might mean refusing to enable their addiction. It might mean not giving them money, drugs, or anything else that perpetuates a self-destructive path. Blind affection can actually harm the one we love.

I have a dear friend who is about to become a father. We recently talked about what values he hopes to pass down to his child. I offered that growing up with love can fortify a child against much mental illness and struggle. He wisely pointed out that affection alone is not the same as love.

Affection is insufficient to meet a child’s needs. As parents, we have a role to fulfill. We are not our child’s friend—we are their parent. Sometimes, that means setting boundaries, rules, and conditions that the child may resent. Yet, we make the bet that their momentary discomfort will spare them greater suffering in the future.

When you find yourself feeling affection for someone, take a moment to reflect: What does it mean to truly love them? Is your affection where it ends, or does it go deeper? If love is more than a feeling, what will you do to transform that feeling into a commitment to their spiritual growth?