Be Healthily Entitled

Entitlement is often used as an ugly word. Someone who feels entitled to something paints an image of a person who believes they’re owed something—often when they’re not owed anything. If someone feels entitled to great service (even if they’re not paying for it) or an inheritance (even if they didn’t do anything for it), it might strike observers as unsavory. Nobody owes anyone anything in the end. Our social contracts are real insofar as they live in our collective imagination, but they are often unenforceable and subject to examination and a multiplicity of perspectives—there is no absolute right or wrong when it comes to what we owe each other. So feeling entitled to something can be tricky when, ultimately, this world does not owe us anything.

And yet, I've come across this notion of "healthy entitlement," the foil, the counter to the idea that entitlement is all bad. Like most feelings, entitlement has its place and time, its function and utility. It is there to serve a purpose, not to malign us against others or ourselves. Perhaps a literal contract is made, and failure to deliver on some aspect of the contract may leave the injured party feeling entitled to compensation. An agreement was broken, and entitlement is an indicator, a direction on an internal compass, letting us know that something out of alignment has occurred and needs to be rectified. Broken contracts, broken promises, broken agreements often lead someone to feel entitled to what was promised them. When an explicit expectation is flaunted, we may rightly wish for its delivery. This is a form of healthy entitlement.

Unhealthy entitlement usually emerges when someone feels they are owed something that is ultimately not their right. It also emerges when they hold on tightly to broken promises, failing to let go and recognize when it’s appropriate to accept a loss. Inheritance is a good example. To some extent, children may feel entitled to their parent's wealth. Likely, a healthy parent will want to pass on what they earned to their children in some capacity. But ultimately, the choice is the parent's. If a parent has to choose between paying for their retirement or working until they're 80 years old to pass on something to their child, it is their right to choose either. But a child is not entitled to their earnings or to demand that they work or sacrifice beyond what it took to bring a child into maturity.

There may also be extreme cases where a parent gives vast wealth to an organization and none to their children. Perhaps this scenario warrants upset—a recognition of a failure of the parent to want to support their children. Of course, context matters—if the children are already wealthy, this may be a trivial affair. But some gesture of support or passed-on care may be something we can appropriately feel healthily entitled to.

Maybe there is an inherent set of healthy human entitlements, similar or corollary to basic human rights. We may feel healthily entitled to food, shelter, water, housing, and our basic physical needs. Perhaps this too can extend to basic financial support for those unable to find their way into work. Perhaps we can feel healthily entitled to love, to claiming what we desire and pursuing it. "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," as stated in the Declaration of Independence.

Healthy entitlement is the claiming of our desires, acknowledging that it is our right to pursue them. Perhaps this entitlement foregoes the feeling of being owed anything—it is entitlement to a pursuit, rather than to an objective. I may feel healthily entitled to court and marry someone I love, but I am not owed that by anyone. Healthy entitlement outside of contractual obligations is the pursuit of what we want—it is an improvisation with the universe where we claim and pursue.

Perhaps you can relate. What have you felt entitled to have or be? Has that been healthy or unhealthy? What small step will you take to transmute your entitlement into a healthy claim for your life?