Identities contain and funnel our actions.

What we identify ourselves as determines so much of how we behave. It is the container of our behaviors, and our life flows and fills into that container.

If I define myself as a good husband, the way I behave will come to fit what a "good husband" means to me. The shape of this container is defined subjectively — to some, being a good husband is buying flowers weekly for the wife, bringing in the family income, being "tough" and "strong." And there's likely overlap between the subjective and the collective perceptions of what being a "good husband" is — it typically excludes abusing or abandoning one's partner, for instance.

Similarly, one may define themselves as a "free spirit." This may lead them to prioritizing travel, play, or wandering. The "hard worker," conversely, may spend long hours working because that's what it means to be "good."

The labels are not just self-identifiers but name tags by which others can understand us. Others may place us in buckets — a "going out" friend or an "intense" person. These labels then determine how others behave and interact with us.

You might think this post is about to scream out an objection — "No, these labels are bad, discard them, be free!" "Putting people into buckets is bad!" "Don't label others!" "Don't confine yourself to an identity!" There's merit in these objections. But plot twist: there's also merit in the labels.

We identify ourselves and others for a reason, a deeply rooted reason. Identification is the means by which we can organize the chaos of the world around us. Naming things, objects, places, experiences — it is making sense of the world and allowing us to navigate through it. Self-identification, too, is a means by which we can organize ourselves, our behaviors, our way of interacting with the world. Identifiers and labels not only help us organize the chaos of the world but the chaos within ourselves.

Identity helps us move along a path in life. Holding onto an identity does not need to be forever, but donning different identities for different seasons in life helps us move forward gracefully. Someone may have an identity of "the life of the party," but after having a child may don a new identity of "mother." We can, of course, wear more than one identity at a time. If there is no conscious prioritization of identities, however, it can lead to internal struggle and chaos if our identities have competing needs.

If I identify as a "strong, independent person" but find myself gravely ill, this identity might conflict with the need to embrace a role like "someone who needs support." Of course, "being strong" can mean many things, but here I am going for the gross, crass caricature of a "strong person" who refuses care and believes in some obtuse forms of rugged individualism at the expense of going to see a doctor and receiving life-saving care. If we can be fluid in our identities, we can adapt to the chaotic changes that life throws at us.

Identities can also be aspirational. Perhaps I am a "bad husband" or a "bad employee." Ok, great, acceptance is the first step. Do we like that identity? Let's go to the Macy's Identity Clothing Section and try something else on. How about "good husband"? Or "someone of service to others"? Maybe a "team player"? Try some on, see how they fit. Some will feel uncomfortable, too tight, too loose, look ugly, wrong colors for your style. That's all good. Hell, you may take some home for a while, wear them out to a party, and realize that this identity isn't flattering or is uncomfortable to walk in. There will be trial and error as one explores different identities.

We can grow into identities, too — maybe the "good husband" identity is a little loose or a little tight. Maybe it requires growing into that outfit by claiming the identity and adjusting one's behaviors to fit that identity. It will likely take time to grow into the new role. Similar to a corporate path, one seeking a promotion typically has to play in the promoted role without title or pay for 6-12 months and subsequently demonstrate to their superiors that they are fitting into a role above their current level. Only when that role has been demonstratively performed will the promotion be considered and offered.

What identities will you leverage to explore and expand your life?