When you go to shake someone's hand, their hand should come to meet yours. You shouldn't have to overextend and grab theirs.

That's the difference between pursuit and chasing.

Chasing is desperate energy. It broadcasts that you're not okay where you are—that you're incomplete, in need. Pursuit, at least for the sake of this framing, comes from desire but not from desperation. Not from necessity.

Think of this in all aspects of relationship—with people, with your job, with God. The people who want to be with you don't need to be chased. What you need to do is simply put your hand out. Maybe "pursuit" isn't even the right word. It's invitation.

follow the energy

I'm not saying you shouldn't go after what you want. There are times to put all your energy into a dream. Sometimes—speaking from the male-to-female perspective—if you really want someone, making a full bet and going for it is the right move.

But most of the time, following the energy is what gets you more of what you want. Maybe even what you don't know you want yet—because you let forces beyond yourself work in your favor instead of white-knuckling every outcome.

There's a false paradigm that says for every unit of effort, you get a unit of output. That every push produces an equivalent result. But no—there's leverage when you know where to apply your energy.

If you invite a friend somewhere and they don't reach back out, you don't need to keep chasing them. If you ask someone out and they ghost, you don't need to keep texting. If your job doesn't see the value you bring, find another workplace that does.

Chasing energy is repelling energy.

Think of the advice they give you when bears are around: don't run—it'll trigger their predatory instinct to chase. But when you chase someone, you trigger the instinct in them to run. Maybe not physically. But energetically.

every stone

And perhaps you're like me—there's a perfectionism involved. A compulsion to open every door before knowing a path is closed. Turn over every rock. Try every possibility before calling it quits.

I'm learning this shape of perfectionism is just as ugly as the rest of them.

Sometimes you need to do that to put questions to rest. There are definitely times I need to know I did my best before letting something go. But there's a difference between doing your best and being a perfectionist.

When you learn to discern the signs—whether someone is interested, whether a place is good for you—there's an opportunity to trust yourself. Your wisdom, your intuition, your learned experience. You no longer need to turn over every stone to understand where the energy flows.

You don't need to chase down every possibility until you're exhausted.

You can invite. Call out. Pursue. But let people come to you. Chase only very selectively—and for most of the rest, save your energy.

Call in what you want instead of running after it.