Don’t punish yourself for your heartbreak.

We all experience loss in this life—of loved ones, partners, friendships, pets. Whether by death or distance, separation finds us all.

I woke up early this morning with a pang I hadn't felt in years, recollecting a past love. It was heartbreak — a sadness that seemed to come out of nowhere, for a relationship that ended years ago.

My old strategy for dealing with this pain was to squash it: whether through overthinking, rumination, or busying myself, I had a goal to eliminate the pain.

But this model is misinformed and unhealthy. There is no squashing the pain. It is not something to be destroyed.

Underpinning that desire to eliminate the pain was a belief that the pain itself was ‘bad.’ So when it resurfaced, I met it with frustration. Sometimes I'd be fine for weeks or months, and then I'd be hit again only to think to myself, "shouldn't you be over this by now?"

Grief has no timeline, nor is its process linear.

We cannot rush it. We can only let it pass through us like a guest visiting our home. Welcome them honorably for as long as they'd like to stay. But remember they are guests, and they will eventually leave.

When this grief comes to you, do not be flustered by its visit. You may not be able to control the pain that rises up, but you can stop yourself from adding more pain. Any frustration about the grief is fuel to the fire of grief — it only makes the pain burn longer and brighter.

Here's my invitation: when grief comes to you, welcome it. Notice when you’re gripping it with frustration. Instead, breathe with it, and let it pass through you.