Your past selves aren't other people's current reality.

Sometimes we see ourselves in others. We can relate to a struggle they've gone through. We might see a struggle in them that we're experiencing now.

Yet there's nuance. What led to their struggle is not the same as what led to yours. You have different minds, different upbringings, and different perspectives.

There will never be exact equality between your struggle and theirs.

I sometimes fall into the trap of advising people when it’s not quite welcome. When I hear someone express a problem or struggle I’ve resolved, I feel an eagerness to share what helped me overcome it.

But not everyone wants to hear your advice, and rightly so. Maybe going through the struggle themselves is where they’ll find meaning in their journey, or perhaps you’ve mistakenly equated your past struggles to their current ones. Either way, it can come across as condescending if you offer your solution to their problem unprompted.

This happened with a dear friend. Without getting into the weeds of it, here’s the gist: he was sharing some perspectives on a subject, I identified a pattern of thinking in his share that I interpreted as a potential problem, and I shared how I used to think similarly and offered perspectives on overcoming those roadblocks.

Even though we were close, my diagnosis and prescription weren’t welcome. I had projected and presumed his circumstances mirrored mine. That’s where the condescension lay in the subtext: “I used to think this way, but now I don’t, and I’m better for it. You should follow my advice to evolve to my level.”

I’m grateful my friend shared how he felt — that my approach seemed condescending. He brought it up lovingly, noting he knew I didn’t intend it that way, but this was his experience. His message was clear, and I was not only apologetic but deeply thankful for the chance to learn and grow from it.

Advice is best reserved for when it is requested. There may be contexts where advising, teaching, or guiding is appropriate. In a classroom, a consultation with an attorney, or a lecture, there’s an implicit contract for such exchanges: participants agree to receive advice or information.

It’s become fashionable to ask if someone is open to feedback or advice. That’s a good start, but it’s not enough. Many times, people agree to avoid seeming rude or unapproachable. How often does someone say “no” when you politely ask if you can give feedback? Rarely. There’s vulnerability and social pressure to say yes — we want to appear open.

The advisor carries the responsibility of discernment. They are accountable for assessing the listener’s receptivity and forming their message in a way that can be received.

Beware of those who neglect this responsibility with shallow righteousness. You can claim you’re advising someone because you care or need to be honest, but sometimes those excuses mask a reluctance to do the hard work of crafting a compassionate message. It’s not easy to gauge receptivity, to ask if our advice is appropriate, or to reflect on timing. But it’s our responsibility. It’s part of caring for others as we would want to be cared for.

Sometimes giving advice is a cultural feature. In Persian and many other Middle Eastern cultures, giving advice is a form of showing care. It feels instinctive. My friends and I often laugh about unsolicited advice from relatives on topics ranging from how often we should call family, to eating habits, to who we should marry, to properly placing the trash bin. It permeates how we relate to one another.

While it’s part of relating, we shouldn’t hide behind culture as an excuse to avoid the work. Gauging the packaging and timing of a message is essential.

We may think we’ve found the answer to someone’s problems, but let’s remember the importance of the message itself. Next time you want to offer advice, consider these questions:

• Is this the right time?
• Does this person want to hear what I have to say?
• Is this even a problem they want to solve?
• Should I ask them if they want my perspective?

Even basic introspection before delivering a message is an act of care for our community, our friends, and our loved ones. When you do the work, you’re building a better world.