Don't chase what isn't chasing you.

If someone—friend, partner, lover—isn't showing genuine interest, be wary about putting in more than you're getting. That imbalance is a signal. You're probably not on the same wavelength. The thing isn't easeful. You're not well-leveraged energetically.

Think about courtship. You're trying to date someone, and every text needs to be perfect. Your timing, your tone, your communication—barely any margin for error. A specific ritual to follow, a performance you can't drop. You're setting yourself up for failure because there's no room for the rest of your life to take up space when you need to be so alert for the chase.

There are rules of courtesy that shouldn't be ignored. The beginning of a relationship or friendship demands attentiveness that matters more than it will once trust and history are established. But that's different from what I'm describing.

run downhill

I've experienced both sides:

• Effortless. It just works. You both want to see each other, and it's easy to make it happen. Schedules align. Nobody holds a reschedule against the other because you're both moving toward each other. Closing the distance is natural.
• Exhausting. You're constantly the one making the effort. Initiating, planning, managing logistics. It drains you.

This connects to something I keep coming back to: follow where the energy flows. Run downhill.

the cost of wanting

Our energy is precious. Our time is precious. And while we may want something, wanting doesn't account for the cost. When we desire something, we often desire it without seeing what we're trading for it.

If a friendship requires you to constantly be the one making plans—and that tires you out—it might exhaust you to the point where you can't even show up as a good friend. If meeting baseline recognition at work means putting in tremendous effort well beyond your expected hours, maybe there's a better match where what you naturally do is valued without doubling your input.

Sometimes that's a hard pill to swallow. We really want things. We're willing to work for them.

So what's the difference between necessary effort and forcing something? Between being diligent and being passive?

flow and friction

I don't have a formula. But I've noticed the difference.

When something flows, it pieces together. When something costs enormous mental energy—in relationships, in work, in creativity—it grinds. The flowing thing isn't easy. It's not effortless. It still demands participation. But it's not arduous. Even the challenges feel exciting, motivating, energizing—not depleting.

I've seen this at work. Customer-facing work where I was thinking up strategies to help a whole team be creative with code—a formidable challenge, and yet it felt fun. It didn't feel like pushing a boulder uphill. It felt like running downhill. Yes, there's a lot of running, but it's a different kind of effort.

Maybe the same is true in relationships. Planning a road trip with someone you love—friend or partner—takes real effort, but it's exciting effort. Contrast that with trying to convince a partner you care because you're constantly getting into fights or there's low trust. Same category of "effort," completely different friction.

You can still put your all into something. But when you're well-matched—when the wavelength is right—you see so much more come out of what you put in.

Find the magnetism where both of you are moving toward each other, instead of chasing something running in a different direction. You'll have more energy left for the things that actually matter. And you'll probably have a lot more fun.