I was in Tahoe for a large Friendsgiving gathering this past weekend. I decided to get a ride up and back to reduce costs and enjoy carpooling with friends. I asked our group chat for a ride, and one friend offered me a ride back.

I was looking forward to this carpool -- I've known this friend for a while, but we had never had the chance to delve deeper in conversation. Finally, it felt like an opportunity to get to know each other better.

When the day came to ride back, he asked if I could drive for a few hours so he could get some work done in the car. I said I’d be happy to share the driving. What I didn’t realize was that he planned to work the entire time. It wasn’t even for a job—it was for a presentation at a social club.

At the time, I convinced myself this was okay. It made sense that he would prioritize something important over me. This presentation mattered to him. Plus, he was giving me a ride, so the least I could do was support him in this effort. It felt like a sort of implicit exchange.

But the more I sat with it, the more it rubbed me the wrong way. The behavior felt like a breach of social etiquette, a rudeness that many might find unsavory. While I do not presume malice, I felt disrespected, even if such disrespect occurred out of unawareness. I felt used—like a chauffeur for an important person. It didn’t feel good.

I’ve felt anger and frustration, along with fear at the idea of bringing this up to him. I neither want to make this a big deal (I’d prefer it to be water under the bridge) nor do I want to appear needy. I was also complicit in not voicing this frustration earlier (though to advocate for myself, I didn’t realize the presentation would be so long nor understand how much it would bother me).

So what do I do with this interaction? Here’s my best shot: take the courage to call him and let him know how the interaction made me feel. Now, this is delicate. It can’t be an attack on him. It must be framed firmly but gently:

"I was reflecting on our car ride, and I wanted to share my experience with you. When you offered me a ride, I was really looking forward to it. We hadn’t had much chance to drop in over the years, and this felt like a great time to be doing that. When you mentioned you’d be working in the car, I didn’t expect you to be working the whole time. Although we had a bit of time to chat, I felt like I was being a chauffeur. I felt a bit disrespected, though I know you had no intention of making me feel that way. On my ride up with other friends in our community, we had a lot of great conversations and got to know each other more deeply. I had hoped we’d have some similar time to bond. It felt like a missed opportunity. I wanted to let you know how I felt because I’d want someone to let me know if I did the same."

I am not yet sure what the ask is—I’m not a huge fan of a feedback dump without any call to action. But that’s what I have so far! These are hard, vulnerable conversations to have—they feel risky, emotionally exposed, and uncertain.

Here’s my takeaway from the experience: when you feel a set of emotions after an interaction, pause to understand why. Workshop your feelings with friends to refine your understanding of why you feel the way you do. Get the anger out, but not at the person (unless that’s actually appropriate). Then decide whether it’s worth bringing up. If so, take the leap to be vulnerable and share your experience.