You want things done? Get friendly.

Small anecdote, trivial example, but the point remains:

I started going to a local gym with a sauna. It was everything I dreamed of and more for a local haunt, but the sauna didn’t have an hourglass timer. Without one, you either have to bring your own timer or just guess how long you’ve been in the room.

Months ago, I asked the staff if they could get one—it would really improve the experience for gym members. While I was plenty chummy with the staff member I spoke with, he came back a couple of days later and let me know the owner laughed at the idea. It was a no-go.

Alright, it’s his gym, his rules.

Fast forward to months later. I went in for a physical therapy session there for a back strain. The practitioner was someone I’d worked with before—we had a lively conversation during our first session, and another one ensued this time. We were chatting about all sorts of things for at least fifteen minutes.

As the conversation went on, this practitioner revealed he’s also the owner of the gym. I perk up and say: “Hey! I have a bone to pick with you. Why don’t you put hourglass timers in your saunas?”

Already in a cheerful, friendly state, he responds with curiosity: “What’re those?” I go on to espouse the virtues of a sauna timer. Next thing you know, he’s on Amazon and makes the purchase right then and there.

I tell you what: finally getting the hourglass timers was made easy because we were on friendly terms. He was open to my suggestion. There was some baseline level of trust that we’d built by seeing each other several times at the gym and chatting before. The friendliness was built on pure motives: a means in itself—the joy of being friendly with your community. Okay, and sure, the impure motive of getting an hourglass timer installed in the sauna.

I cherish the art of making friends. Not only is it great fun, but it opens doors in unexpected ways.

There really is both a cultural science and a personal art to the craft of building connections. Going all the way back to a book I read when I was 11 years old, Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, I learned the techniques of it: never criticize, call people by their name, be genuinely curious. The art of it is my style of doing so... which I don’t even know how to describe. All I know is that it’s been working so far.

Before I close, I feel it’s important to call this out: Carnegie’s book often gets a bad rap for the techniques being used as tools for manipulation. There’s truth to that: people can become socially skilled without being genuine. But like any tools, they are morally agnostic. It’s their usage that determines their place on the ethical spectrum. Deliberate or intuitive use of these methods does not inherently make them manipulative. Rather, it’s our conscious or unconscious motives that determine the virtue of the technique.

Navigating our world through friendships is not only useful but very fun. I’ll leave you with a question: If we can become skillful in a genuine joy for getting to know and befriending others, how far can we travel in our personal journey?