The perpetual excuse is a bad sign.

I've worked with people who have a particular problem: they make an agreement and then back out at the last minute with an indisputable excuse.

They got sick. An in-law died. A pet was rushed to the hospital. Life happens, right?

Yes, but after so many occurrences, trust inevitably erodes. If you agree to follow through with a commitment but four times out of five, an Act of God gets in the way, eyebrows raise. What's really going on?

In most cases, it’s socially inappropriate to question these excuses or demand follow-through despite them. If we agree to a deadline, your dog dies, and I get upset or offer no slack, I become the bad guy. Imagine telling the story to your friends: "My dog died, and this person still asked me to finish X, Y, Z. They’re totally unreasonable!"

It’s similar in the workplace — if you take medical leave and your employer fires you, that’s called retaliation. You're protected under the law, and you can lawyer up.

But here’s the thing: there’s a slippery underlying pattern. Maybe there’s even a name for this kind of behavior -- we might call it pathological avoidance. An agreement is made with responsibilities and commitments clearly outlined. Near or on the deadline, the "victim" party sends an indisputable Act of God excuse (which may also be true) or is simply absent. When this happens too frequently in too short a period of time, the behavior becomes predictable. If there’s a significant probability of someone excusing themselves from a commitment, how can you trust them to follow through?

I once worked with a lawyer like this. We were friends first, and I decided to hire him for a legal issue I was having. At first, the excuses were mild — he was slightly delayed because of other important client work but assured me that he'd handle my case the next day. Sure, no problem, we’re friends, right? So we give each other flexibility and slack here and there.

Little by little, however, the excuses became more consistent. I’d check in on a deadline, and he’d be unreachable. A few days later, he’d tell me his whole family was sick and that he’d handle my case first thing Monday. Okay. I reached out again on Tuesday — this time, a new excuse about his car breaking down and not being able to get to the courthouse. His whole day was ruined, and he was so frustrated that now he was backed up on all his work. At worst, there were times he would go incommunicado for months.

Here’s a consistent piece: he was always the victim of his circumstances. He took little to no accountability for honoring his commitments despite the circumstances.

I don’t have a formula or hard line for knowing how many excuses are too many. All I know is that when I commit to finishing something, I follow through. If there’s an issue, I raise the concern immediately and readjust the scope or expectation with a new deadline. This represents mutual respect and acknowledges the unpredictable nature of life.

Beware of these personalities. They’re typically charming, reasonable, and socially skillful. They know what to say to get you on their side, to understand, empathize, and even feel sorry for them.

I honestly don’t know if the convincing is a conscious or unconscious act. I hesitate to call it manipulation, but it certainly feels like it.

Regardless, if it interferes with your outcomes, it’s time to reassess. Do you need to work with these people? Can you adjust your engagement with them so that you’re working on your terms, not theirs?

When you see someone repeat a behavior often enough, you can expect it to happen again. You can either choose to work with it or not. Awareness is key. If you know the nature of the beast, you know how to approach it. You’re going to handle a dog differently than you would a snake. Similarly, with different personality types — know the beast, know the approach.

Here’s my central advice: take agency back. Living by other people’s excuses keeps you caught in their gravitational orbit. You’re left waiting for them, on their terms. That’s an unsettling, unpredictable way to move through life. Take the reins back. Give a grace period for their excuses, have the difficult conversation if necessary, and then either adjust how you work with them or stop working with them altogether.

Do not get caught in the orbit of pathological avoidance.