At what point does self-help become a selfish act?

Not the healing we all need. Not true recovery. But a turning inward so constant, the self becomes a black hole—pulling everything toward it.

From one angle, there's nothing wrong with taking the time to make yourself a better person.

The question is: to what end?

Are we becoming better only for our own pleasure? Is self-improvement just another form of refined hedonism?

And again, I invite a balance: we have a right to live happily in this world. Healing to the extent that we can have internal peace, equanimity, and joy is our right.

There’s a slippery slope here—and I’m speaking from experience.

A lot of my life has been focused on becoming a better version of myself. I've been into self-help since my teen years. I've gone on my healing journey through almost every modality you can think of.

Even as I felt more whole, more at peace, I couldn’t shake a sense of unrest. Not the kind that invites more inner work, but the kind that urges outward movement—participation, presence, service.

I'll indulge in a self-analysis: sometimes this feeling of something missing shows up in me as a desire to be seen. I want attention, praise, recognition. I want people to like me.

Sure, we could say, 'You didn’t get the attention you needed as a child—let’s go heal that.' Perhaps.

But that explanation doesn’t soothe the ache.

The thing is, I don't think this desire for attention is an inherent pathology, nor pathologically adjacent. It walks the tightrope between ego and soul—a desire that could nourish either, depending on how we respond.

My best guess for "healing" this is not introspection but service to others. It's showing up for other people. A natural byproduct may be appreciation — but the irony is that expecting anything in return, even quietly, can poison the act.

It might be as simple as this: aim to leave everyone you meet a little lighter. Crack a joke. Buy someone coffee. Take that extra moment to show kindness.

When we live only for ourselves, something inside stagnates. What once felt like growth starts to rot.

I think of this quote from the Bahá'í Writings to remind me that sometimes the self-help journey is self-indulgence — that at some point, we are wasting precious time in the "healing" process.

[Shoghi Effendi] strongly urges you not to dwell on yourself.
Each one of us, if we look into our failures, is sure to feel unworthy and despondent,
and this feeling only frustrates our constructive efforts and wastes time.

- Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 113

And I'll re-emphasize: healing ourselves is a part of knowing ourselves. This is crucial to being happy and of service.

He hath known God who hath known himself.

- Bahá'u'lláh, Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá'u'lláh, p. 178

But it is not the end of the journey.

Healing prepares us—but service fulfills us.