You cannot write your story by editing your past.

When you have a troubling thought or perspective and want to change it, revisiting and reconfiguring the past is a tempting path. Maybe if I view it in a different light, maybe if I review things again, I will gain a more mature perspective.

My past has had difficulties. Its artifacts have left me with some unhealthy and unhelpful perspectives. I am grateful for awareness, as it's the first step to changing unhealthy patterns. I used to subconsciously think that if I reviewed the past, if I just "figured it out," that I would somehow come to a better perspective.

One such unhelpful perspective is that others have had it better than I have. It's a terrible oversimplification, unmeasurable and useless. At the same time, some of it is obviously true — I was raised around affluence but did not have affluence. Many of my friends had their colleges paid for, while I supported myself through college; many friends have had parents assist them with down payments or outright house purchases, while I have no such resources. Now I'm not trying to throw a pity party — I get that I'm comparing my circumstances to some of the most privileged out there, and there is a wide range of far worse circumstances. But I call this out to explore the theme — I have often had the privileged circumstances of others slapped in my face while I've worked hard to make up the difference.

The subconscious mind, in my circumstance, may look back and try to make sense of what happened. It could either grow angry at the parents who created poor circumstances or attempt to find compassion for them. Either way, I have found that reviewing the past, trying to feel better about what happened by intentionally adopting a different perspective, has not been helpful.

Perhaps this is a surprise — don't we have power over our thoughts? Can't we choose what perspectives we want to have? Yes, to an extent, but not if your mind knows you're gaslighting it. If you try to insult your mind by denying reality, it will reject the new perspective. I know that when I've tried to tell myself, "It wasn't so bad," or "You actually had it pretty good considering X, Y, Z," my mind spits at the thought. Respect the mind. Do not try to lie to its face.

So then what do we do with these harmful perspectives? Honestly, I do not know what the remedy is, but I know the path that I am taking: focusing on moving forward and creating the life that I want. I cannot go back and rewrite what happened. But I can write new chapters — and those new chapters can contextualize the old ones. They can soften the pain of the past by creating a better future. It is taking action, living and acting in the present, and leaving the realm of thought that is the past, non-reality, illusory, inactionable.

You cannot edit the past. You can only write the future. The book of your life takes into account all chapters — and they all relate to one another. Will you trust that you can write a better future?