How many times have you heard it?

"You either got it or you don't."

Growing up, in every culture, this idea shows up in some form. You're either born with it—talent, charisma, leadership, rhythm—or you're not. Some people are just “natural.”

Sure, there’s some truth to that. Some of us have innate abilities or certain dispositions. Our genes shape our height, body type, face, even some of our temperament. But the “you got it or you don’t” mentality gets stretched way too far. It becomes an excuse—or a quiet resignation. If you’re not born with it, why even bother trying?

But so many of the things we think of as innate—especially social skills and interpersonal dynamics—are actually buildable. Practiced. Grown. You don’t need to be born with them to get better at them.

I remember seeing this in Spain, among flamenco artists. There’s this ethos: either you have duende or you don’t. And yet… you'd see a Finnish woman dance flamenco like she was born into it, or Paco de Lucía—who didn’t come from the traditional flamenco lineage—rise to the very top. So is duende really something you're born with? Or something that’s earned?

I think the same applies in subtler places too—like the workplace. For a long time, I thought you were either good at politics or not. That some people just had a natural way of navigating dynamics, and I didn’t. And to be fair, there are people who just won’t vibe with you, no matter how much effort or goodwill you bring. I’ve had that experience.

But then, years later, I’m in a work situation where I’m clashing with a colleague. We’re trying to rebuild some rapport. And my friend—who’s also my manager—says, “You know, your goal should be to win this person over.”

I kind of scoffed. It felt… out of my control. You can’t make someone like you. And from a SMART goals perspective, “winning someone over” isn’t exactly measurable or always realistic. So why frame it as a goal?

But the more I sat with it, the more I realized there was something to it. Not in the outcome—but in the intent. I can’t control how someone feels, but I can control how I show up. I can act in a way that builds trust. I can put in effort that I’m proud of, without bending over backward for someone who's not acting in good faith.

That’s the tension, right? Knowing when you’re putting in good effort versus performing for someone else’s dysfunction. Only you can know that line. But there is a line.

So maybe this is something you can relate to. Maybe there’s something in your life that feels out of your hands—and maybe part of it is. But there’s probably a piece of it where you do have agency. And that’s the part you can lean into.

You don’t have to throw the whole thing out just because it’s not fully in your control.

Maybe you don’t “got it.”
But maybe you can build it.