You can be both polite and rude simultaneously.

Condescension, dismissiveness, and other unsavory attitudes are often delivered rudely. The tricky part is recognizing rudeness cloaked in polite rituals.

We can outwardly present politeness while harboring inner rudeness. For instance, when someone says, "I hear you" or "I appreciate that," they may be performing the ritual of a polite interaction. However, the outer shell of politeness does not guarantee a respectful interaction.

I once had a colleague at work who was socially intelligent enough to understand that certain phrases were appropriate in a professional context. These phrases, however, were used as placeholders for meaningful dialogue rather than as genuine expressions.

During a conversation where I delivered difficult feedback, I shared that I felt some of his comments during review cycles were dismissive. He responded with "Thank you" or "I hear you." Check. Then, he reversed the roles of victim and offender, telling me he felt the same way sometimes. His politeness was no more than a gilding over rudeness.

The experience was jarring and required considerable processing to understand. I kept thinking, "He's being polite, so why do I feel disrespected?" My mind and gut were at odds. After reflecting, I recognized consistent patterns of microaggressions masked in polite phrases.

Navigating the workplace in these situations is tricky. Instead of resenting those I struggle to get along with, I focus on becoming more skillful at working with or around them. It’s unlikely someone will face immediate consequences for being subtly rude, so it’s better to reclaim my agency. Adopting a growth mindset about interpersonal skills, even with difficult people, helps me maintain some peace of mind.

Here’s my invitation: When you encounter a challenging person—especially one whose outward actions conflict with their words—ask yourself how you can work with them. What can you do to become more skillful in managing their energy? And at what point should you remove yourself from the environment?